YET ANOTHER FESTERING SPAWN OF THE MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS MEETS THE TATTOOED TEENAGE ALIEN FIGHTERS FROM BEVERLY HILLS WITH SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY THE SUPER SAMURAI SYBER SQUAD: THE XXX-FILES Ernie's juice bar/youth center/gym/cafe bustled in the mid-afternoon heat; Ernie's best business came in after school -- on those few days school was actually in session. Today, Ernie introduced a new feature to his multi- functional bar. . .internet access. News leaked out fast; two-thirds of the nine terminals he had set up as a trial were in use, and four of those users had been waiting outside the juice bar before it even opened that morning. The lady with the indeterminate hair color, one of the four, tried to drink from her empty glass. When she finally noticed the glass was empty, she stared at it and blinked a few times. She slammed a dollar bill down on the table. "Barkeep! Refill!" Ernie took her money without a word, then refilled the glass with orange juice. He placed it gently on the counter next to her. She wore a denim jacket liberally peppered with pins and buttons in defiance of the spring California sun, which streamed in over her left shoulder. It highlighted a dark red streak normally blended in with the rest of her hair. She took a long swig of the juice and stared intently at the world inside the monitor. The other girl in that group started gasping for air suddenly, her breath catching in little squeaks. Everyone in the juice bar fell silent. Ernie rushed to the side of his customer. "Are you all right?" Like all of the group that came in that morning she was pale. Her dark brown hair was gathered up into a plaid porkpie cap with a single button on the right side. The button, in turn, held a gray and white feather. A few brown tendrils escaped their prison and crawled around her shoulders. At Ernie's concerned question, she started squeaking harder and flailing her arms wildly. No matter what direction her arms started moving in, though, she always hit the large fellow sitting next to her. (Ernie actually thought the guy was quite slim.) He took each blow with a sigh, but otherwise gave no notice he was being hit. "She's fine," he said, voice weary. "She's just laughing. She'll calm down in a moment as long as you don't ask if she's OK." The guy being used as a punching bag was also part of that early group and didn't look a whole lot different from half a dozen other guys of his height and build. Occasionally, he would chuckle at his computer screen, and, unlike his thirsty compatriot, had only the one required drink. He wore a purple knit shirt with "ECU Underground" stitched in white lettering on the breast pocket area. The squeaking girl started to calm a little; the gasps sounding more like normal laughter. A tall blonde walked into the bar, toward the terminals. The denim-jacketed one looked up, then grinned evilly. "Hello, Julie," she said in a dripping, somewhat singsong voice. The blonde shuddered a bit and took a seat at the computer next to the girl with the funny laugh. The final member of the group, who sat on the girl's other side, made a "hrm" noise, a la Marge Simpson. He was skinny, with sharp features; had he been a red-head, he may have been described as fox-like. As it was, he looked more like a weasel. He looked over at Julie, daggers almost visibly flying from his eyes. Julie was a sharp contrast to the typical California blonde. In fact the only similarity was the dark roots. Her long hair hung down in waves trying their best to be curls down her back. She wore baggy clothes over her large frame. She didn't notice the glare she was getting. Eight teens walked into the bar, each coded by a different color, followed by a flying squirrel dressed in red. They sat over at a large table near the center of the cafe section. Ernie automatically gave each his or her usual. They absently nodded to Ernie, then began their conversation as if the rest of the world no longer existed. Billy sighed and rested her head in her hands. "I haven't been able to reach Alpha lately. I'm starting to worry about him. Maybe he just doesn't like the new me?" Trini, now dressed in gray, put her arms around her friend. "Relax. Last time we spoke to him he said Zordon had a really big project for him. Zordon probably has him tied up right now, especially since Serpentera stole the rest of our Zords." Deep in the Command Center, in a hidden chamber, chains held Alpha-5 loosely enough for him to lower his arms, but close enough he couldn't sit down. Alpha's shell lay in peices in one corner of the dark cell, his Ken-doll clone body exposed. "Bill-eee," he moaned. "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi." The squirrel sat in a high chair between the two boys in the group. "At least you're still human, Billy. Look on the bright side." Kimberly looked around the juice bar. "I can't believe no one noticed the difference. I thought we were going to have trouble with our parents and getting into school." Tommy nodded. "I was about to walk in the ladies' room and one of my friends stopped me! He asked me if I was illiterate or just blind. Can you beieve it?" Ayesha nodded appreciatively. "One of my teachers asked me if I had done something to my hair. That's as close to anyone noticing I got." Zack, who now dressed in purple, sighed. "At least I got Gordon to go out with me." Jason, dressed all in dark orange and brown, changed the subject. "I wonder why Zordon decided to rehire us? I wish he'd make up his mind." Billy looked slightly distracted. "Did you hear that?" Tommy blinked, interrupted in mid-thought. "Hear what?" "That loud rumbling. Can't you hear it? Sounds almost like thunder." A bleeping pierced the silence in the main office of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. The headmaster studied the map of the United States in the back of his office, the source of the bleeping. A red point of light flashed in California. He pressed a button on his hoverchair. "Cyclops, assemble a contact team. A new mutant has appeared in the Los Angeles area, possibly in one of its suburbs." A red-haired woman sat at her desk in the FBI offices of Washington, DC., poring over the file in front of her. Her partner sat acroos the desk from her, watching her like a puppy expecting a treat for doing a trick. Already read pages lay strewn about the desk; one even lay carelessly draped over a mug of coffee. The file was an inch and a half thick, and the words "Angel Grove" were printed on the tab of its folder. Finally, she gathered up the pages, giving their order only subconcious attention. "Interesting stuff, Mulder, but they don't exactly need us to prove anything. There's plenty of documentation that these creatures do indeed exist." "You don't understand, Scully, we're supposed to investigate the Power Rangers. Six civilians with technology the government doesn't know about? Our job is to find out who these Rangers really are, and the source of their technology." An asteroid streaked through what would have been the moon's sky at about the time Billy heard the strange rumbling. Rita Repulsa stood at one of the windows facing Earth, watching a particularly imaginative couple through her telescope. She found her view blocked by the falling star, which was falling staight towards her. The object screamed (literally) into Rita's castle, knocking her into the far wall. The somewhat charred, smoking object gathered itself up and coughed a bit. Rita blinked in recognition and ran toward the pile of bones. She hugged it tightly. "Rito! Brother!" she screeched. "What are you doing here? Last I heard, you were terrorizing another galaxy. Had your headquarters in, unh, Eternia. What was it they called you there?" "Eh, Skeletor. Is that a dumb name or what?" He carefully pulled himself away from his sister. Her nipple cones had slipped through his ribs and scratched his backbone. "Hey! I heard ya got married. Where is old Ed?" He looked around the disheveled throne room. The throne itself was facing away from the siblings. "Oh, him. He's playing with his staff right now, trying to think of a new way to get rid of the Power Brats. They managed to put him in jail for awhile, but we hired OJ Simpson's defense team. The prosecution dropped all the charges almost immediately." Two young men in police uniforms sauntered into the bar, trying their best to swagger. What they actually did was bump into each other and the walls. One who did not know better might even have called them drunk. They managed to find their way to the juice counter without serious physical injury. Ernie faced them sterly. "Alright, boys. No money, no service. You two haven't paid your tab in two years. And you cause more property damage than those stupid monsters that attack every week." Bulk placed a five on the table. "See, we're earning a living now and not putting all our time and money into finding the real identity of the Power Rangers." Two of the early group, the purple shirted guy and his thirsty friend with the denim jacket, started snickering. "Hey!" Bulk slammed his hand down on the counter. "What's so funny?" The other girl looked up. "Is something going on?" "No, Gwen, go back to Texas Twilight." "Oh, OK." The first young lady nodded, a wicked gleam in her eye. "Sure do. So do my currently oblivious friends. How could you not know?" Skull tried his best to sit in her lap. "Then who are they?" The large man patted Skull on the head lightly. "You wouldn't believe us if we told you. Besides, you're smart enough to figure it out on your own." Bulk blanched. "Well. . .suppose we aren't?" The girl looked doubtful. "I don't know, Rob, should we tell them?" Rob grinned. "We can at least tell them how we found out, Susan, can't we?" "Uh-oh." "Billy, what's wrong? You've been acting weird all afternoon." Billy spoke in hushed tones. "Those individuals at the telecommunication terminals have discerned our true identities." Kimberly looked more confused than usual. "Could you say that in English?" Trini translated, as usual. "The net geeks know we're the Power Rangers." Jason put her head in her hands. "Great. I bet they're the new villains we're supposed to face." Kimberly still looked confused. "But Zordon hasn't even called us yet. He hasn't contacted us since the Zords were stolen." Ayesha looked closely at his best friend. "Haven't you noticed that whoever knows our identities either becomes part of the team or villains? The team's too big as it is, so they must be villains." ***BREET-DEE-DIT-DA-DEET-DEE*** Tommy quietly removed herself from the table and walked to the lockers. The hallway was empty, as it always was when Zordon called. "Yeah, Zordon, what's up?" "Tommy, bring the other Rangers with you to the Command Center. We have important matters to discuss. I have found a new power source for you." In the computer section of the juice bar, Susan placed another dollar bill on the counter. "Barkeep! Refill!" After no response was forthcoming in a few seconds, she looked around the youth center -- Ernie was nowhere to be found. "Barkeep? Jeez, what's a girl got to do to get some orange juice around here?" Four teens sat in a quiet corner of the Cafe Maison, in Beverly Hills, trying to talk to each other with out gaining anyone's notice. Gordon, a dead ringer for Michael J. Fox, seemed to be far away. "--It was so weird! I mean, things were going like they usually do, and there was this flash, and suddenly, I've got his girl in bed with me!" Lori looked rather horrified. "Jason keeps trying to see me, but I can't get past the fact that he's a she!" Swentin was blushing furiously. He wasn't used to open talk about sex. He didn't even remember his first time; he fainted sometime in the middle of it, he was sure. He took comfort in Drew's reassurances that it had been very good. Drew took the whole story in rather matter-of-factly. "You should tell him - her - whatever - that, then. You owe him at least that much." Swentin desperately tried to change the subject before his nose started to bleed. "Um, anyone notice how quiet it's been recently? I know we were cancelled, but Gorganus kept attacking anyway." Lori seemed relieved to change the topic at that point. "True. Remember what happened last time? We ended up having to fight two megalomaniacs." Gordon returned from fantasies of his latest love interest. "I doubt that'll happen again. Maybe even megalomaniacs need a vacation." The Rangers made their way to the locker area en masse and unnoticed. They disappeared in multi-color streaks of light. In the Command Center, Zordon let Alpha free so he could put out the Power Rangers new uniforms. Zordon, it seemed was far more interested in his new robotic ally, Ninjor. Ninjor was from the center of the universe, a representative of the ninjetti, and a new source of pleasure for Zordon. Rainbow ribbons of light landed in front of the viewing globe and materialized into the Power Rangers. Ninjor and Alpha stood on opposite sides of the control panels, which were currently draped with the Rangers' new outfits. Tommy strode dramatically in front of the rest of the Rangers. "What's the big deal, Zordon? Why all the secrecy?" Her voice didn't come out as strong as she would have liked: a result of her recent, involuntary sex change. "Since your old Zords were stolen by Serpentera, we made a deal with the ninjetti to use their infinite power source. Ninjor represents them and will explain how to use it." Tommy made a mental note to get Billy to remember that volume control. Ninjor started gesturing dramatically with his hands. "The power of the ninja comes from within, Rangers. You must search within yourselves for the connection to the ninjetti power source and there you will also find your new Zords." His voice sounded a bit like Mighty Mouse's on steroids. The Rangers held hands and concentrated. Soon, the piles of clothing disappeared one by one from the control panels and reappeared on the Rangers. In the center of each was a golden coin about the size of a jam jar lid. After all the piles disappeared, the kids relaxed. Ninjor continued speaking. "On your new power coins are the symbols of your new Zords. They are the animal reflection of your strengths. For that is the true power of the ninja!" Each of the Rangers looked down to the power coin on his or her chest. A falcon stooping decorated Tommy's, while a crane in flight was on Kimberly's. Rocky smiled ironically; his was an ape. Billy was pleased to discover a wolf gracing her coin, and Ayesha was somewhat surprised to find a bear on his. Trini raised an eyebrow at the sinuous snake on her coin. Zach smiled and traced the lines of the running deer on her coin. Jason grinned at the spider on her coin. Only Adam seemed disappointed. "I'm a frog," she whined. "Adam, alias The Frog!" She tried her best to do a Vicki Lawrence imitation. "I suppose it's better than being a moose," Trini offered. Adam paled slightly. Lord Zed finished playing with his staff and pushed the button on his thrine to turn it back to the main hall. It was in shambles, and in the middle of it all, his wife was having her way with a skeleton in the middle of the floor. (He had a real boner) The skeleton's right half was painted in a camouflage pattern, the left half was plain. Zed sighed; Rita was such an exhibitionist. A bright, white light appeared in the throne room, interrupting Rita and her undead partner. A large figure stepped out; Zed recognized him immediately. He was Gorganus, a former partner in an elaborate plot to take over the world orchestrated by a lab mouse. Zed learned his lesson against listening to lab mice since then. The last one landed him in jail. "What do you want?" Zed demanded. "Our partnership ended quite sometime ago." "I know. So who is this lovely lady?" Gorganus bowed to Rita. "That's no lady, that's my wife!" Rita made a tsk gesture at Zed. "I'm Rita Repulsa. And who are you?" She giggled coquetishly. "My name is Emperor Gorganus, a former partner of your husband's. Our alliance was brief, but I think we worked well together." Zed flared a bright red. "Those two brat teams joined together, remember?" "But what if we had our own team along with the monsters? The team to supply the brains, and the monsters to supply the brawn." Zed thought a moment or two. "All right, Gorganus. We accept your offer. All we can do is lose. . .again." Mulder and Scully arrived early that evening in Angel Grove, just in time to watch the sun set. They checked into the Angel Grove Inn, posing as husband and wife. They would stay for the week, then report back to their superiors in Washington. The two agreed the best course of action was to ask around town first. If no one knew anything, then they would wait for a monster to attack and follow the Rangers. "You're the expert on monsters, Mulder. Where should we start our little hunt? Those on the videos looked an awful lot like a guy in a rubber suit. You know, like what they used in those Godzilla movies." "Most of the initial sightings have been in Angel Grove Park, so that's where we'll start." The Blackbird screamed through the American sky on its way from onoe coast to its opposite. On board, the jet's passengers passed the time playing card, talking, and other pastimes. the plane flew on autopilot. "So, Cyclops, how we gon' search fo' dis new mutant? Los Angeles is a big place, an' dere's only six o' us. An' you got de only portable Cerebro I know of." Scott Summers sighed quietly. Gambit was a pain, but the former thief's skills could be useful. Ororo proved that more than once with her own formidable lockpicking skills. Unfortunately, she wasn't available for this mission; he far preferred Storm's company to Gambit's. In fact, he far preferred Magneto's company to Gambit's. "We're near enough now that we can use the cerebro unit on board to pinpoint the mutant within a city block. Then, we can track the mutant down with my portable unit. Iceman and Cannonball woll make the first contact. The rest of us will wait nearby in case there's any trouble. "Passing over Angel Grove, now, Scott," Psylocke called out from the co-pilot's chair. "There's some sort of large object in our path. There!" She pointed out. A large serpentine shape, big enough to dwarf even a battleship, undualted in the skies. It moved erratically, and let out a loud, high pitched moan. Zordon had to concentrate to keep himself from drooling over the Power Rangers in their new costumes. The new outfits weren't tight like spandex, revealing everything, but a sheer fabric with a bloomy design that revealed and hid secrets randomly, making them all the more intriguing. All in all, the Rangers looked as if they had escaped from a harem. "Now, to call your Zords into being, you must concentrate on your animal and what it means to you. That is the true power of the ninja!" Ninjor continued, gesturing wildly enough that Alpha gave him a wide berth. "With luck," Zordon boomed, "this will reverse the havoc wrought months ago." The Rangers closed their eyes and held hands once again. A golden glow emanated slowly outward from them, filling the Comand center. Eventually, the light spilled out into the desert. Up in the sky, a Blackbird jet's passengers found themselves blinded by the radiance. The glow dissapated slowly, but much faster than it grew. The Rangers looked each other and themselves over very carefully. "Damn," they said in unison. "Now, I suppose we go merrily on our way until Zed attacks again?" Tommy arched her eyebrows. "No," Ninjor said, "You must practice your new ninja powers. Right now you have instinctual use of them, but you must learn control. That is the true power of the ninja!" Billy leaned over to Trini. "I wonder if enough electricity is getting to his cranial circuitry." Trini suppressed a giggle as Ninjor rambled on. "you must hone your new abilities without neglecting your old skills. And always remember teamwork, for that is the true power of the ninja!" Gradually, Billy tuned out Ninjor's chatter. Everything, it seemed, was the true power of the ninja. Nevermind that the ninja were spies, thieves, and assassins. As Ninjor's voice faded to a low drone, Billy noticed a tiny voice crying out for help. Hello. This is weird, she thought. It seemed to be coming from a disk on one of the secondary control panels. In fact, it was on the one right beside her. She slowly reached out and touched it, grabbed it, without quite knowing what she was doing. The tiny voice continued to plead for rescue. Couldn't anyone else hear it? Ninjor finally finished his spiel. The Rangers, in varying stages of boredom, returned to reality slowly, smiling politely. "Uhm, gee, Ninjor." Tommy glanced at her watch. "Look at the time. Wish we could stay, but we don't want to be missed by our parents, you know." "Of course, Rangers. Family responsibility is the true power of the ninja! Return here tomorrow to begin your training." The Rangers landed back in the juice bar, which was close to closing, somehow re-clad in their street clothes. The computer people were negotiating with Ernie to stay for the night. The group watched for a moment or two, then made their way quietly out. They said good night, then split up along their separate ways. Billy and Trini headed of together to Billy's lab. In the lab, Trini finally noticed the disk Billy carried in her right hand. "Billy, where'd that disk come from?" Billy looked down; she had forgotten the disk entirely. Now that her attention was drawn to it, she could hear the tiny voice again. "I found it in the Command Center. Wait a minute. . . Isn't this the disk we downloaded that Servo anti-virus program onto for Zordon?" Trini shrugged. "Could be. But why bother with it now?" Billy blushed. "I've been hearing a voice from it, asking for help." "What?!" Billy shrugged and looked down at the disk. "I heard it first a few months ago, and then again today. I know it sounds insane, but-" She shrugged again. "I felt like I had to respond somehow." All this nonsense started to worry Trini. Maybe Billy's involuntary sex change had begun to take its toll? "I almost made contact back in the Command Center. I guess I thought I could try to free whatever it is trapped on the disk." "How? Destroy the disk? Upload the program? What are you going to do?" "I don't know. Maybe I should ask it." Billy sat on the well-worn cot in a dusty corner of the lab. She stared off into space. Systematically tuning out everything but the tiny voice. "Billy. . . I hope you know what you're doing." Billy closed her eyes and let herself be drawn to the voice. She only opened them when the voice stopped calling and she felt an armored body hugging her close. Billy hugged it back passionately; it felt like a large version of Alpha. "It's so good to see another program here! At least I'll have some company in my captivity now." The speaker appeared to be an android version of Ultraman. "I was battling a megavirus monster and suddenly I got sucked into a whirlpool. Next thing I know, I'm in a foreign system called Zordon and fighting another megavirus there. Then I got sucked back into the whirlpool, and I was here. I've calling out for help for what seems like forever." "I'm not really a program. I'm the one who put you here. I didn't realize you had sentience, but now I do and want to help put you back where you belong." Billy blinked. Her voice sounded masculine, like it used to. She looked down, discreetly. He was a guy again! He cleared his throat. "Do you know how I may be of assisstance?" "If you're not a program, how can you be here?" "And I might ask you how an anti-virus program can attain sentience. The answer to both is that it doesn't matter." The program sighed heavily. "Maybe you could upload me back to where you found me. How long have I been here? It seems like years." "About six months." Billy looked around at his surroundings. Black, flat, bare rock stretched out as far as he could see. A flock of rubber chickens strutted across the horizon. For some reason, Billy imagined them morphing into power eagles. "But if I uploaded you, wouldn't that just be a copy?" The program shrugged. "Could be, but then I'd just be a copy of me. That's just too weird for me to think about. If all goes well, then this disk will be empty after you upload me." Billy snapped back into his body abruptly. Trini was slapping him, hard. "Come on, Billy. Snap out of it! This is really starting to scare me." "Ow! Trini! I just got the information I needed to rescue that program." Billy realized he was stuck as a female again and sighed. She walked over to her computer and popped in the disk. Trini placed the back of her hand on Billy's forehead. "Hmmm. No fever. You must be crazy, then." Billy typed in a few commands. "Well, it's done. Now let me just check the directory to see if it's empty." A face appeared on screen. Billy recognized immediately as the face of the Servo program. Trini jumped back. "Aaaagh! It's Ultraman!" "Um, no. My name is Servo. I just wanted to thank whoever set me free." The face looked around as best it could, confined as it was to the monitor screen. "Where is he?" "I believe you're looking for me," Billy said. "Somehow I remember you being a bit less feminine. Oh, well. Thank you! I can now go home." The screen returned to the directory tree of the disk. It was empty. Trini shook her head. "This is too weird." Bulk and Skull sat in the garage of Skull's house. The overhead light was off; a few sparsley spaced candles provided the only illumination. The two were out of their junior police uniforms, and instead each wore women's red french cut panties, three necklaces of garlic bulbs, and oak branches behind his ears. Between them was a Ouija board; they each had one hand on the tripod. "OK, Bulk. We're dressed, and we've washed in sunflower oil. Now what?" Bulk looked down at the paper in his free hand. The girl from the juice bar gave it to him. She knew the Power Rangers' true identities, she said, and this is how she found out. And she was nice enough to provide detailed instructions on how to use the stupid board. "Uhhhh. . . Now we chant." "Chant? Chant what?" "Um." "What? What do we chant? What's the paper say?" "Um, moron, um! We chant, 'um'!" "Oh." The two began chanting, out of sync and with no rhythm. Skull peered anxiously down at the board. Without warning the tripod began to slide around the board on its own. Upon feeling the motion beneath their hands, the two friends gaped. Their mouths worked silently for a few moments. They took turns pointing to the tripod and each other. Screams finally tore from their throats. Not giving one thought to their appearance, they ran out into the night. The tripod, even without human contact, contiued its motion. It eventually spelled out, "Y-O-U-S-U-C-K-E-R-S". The X-Men contact team followed Cyclops and his watch down the dark but unthreatening neighborhood street. A soft bleeping, originating from Cyclops' watch, pierced the still night air. Gradually, the bleeping was joined by a screaming. Out of a hedge of one of the nearby houses, two figures, the source of the screaming, burst onto the scene. One was very large, the other skinny. They wore women's underwear, garlic necklaces, branches, and their skin glistened oddly in the streetlight. Rogue shook her head. "Ah always knew they was weird out in California." Rita watched Bulk and Skull's antics through her telescope. Those two were almost as entertaining as the Pink and White Rangers. She tried watching the Blue and Yellow Rangers and their little robot friend, but they suffered from a severe lack of imagination. Whoever thought of that trick had a great potential for their evil little band. Rita was working on an operative now, but breaking down a basically good person, while fun, was harder and riskier than someone well on their wa down to badness. The kitty-cat she was working on might well turn on her someday. Zed tapped Rita on the shoulder. "Time to put that away, Rita, my dear. Time to go create some of our own action." Tonight held more promise than usual; her brother Rito would be joining them, as well as Goldar. Lori sat with Jason on the porch of Lori's house. Jason rested her head on one hand; Lori just looked uncomfortable. "Jason, y'know, it's, um, kinda difficult to talk about this." Her voice dropped off. "What, that I'm a girl now and your feelings for me have changed? I don't blame you. But it's not as if this was intentional. Can't you think of me as I was?" "I've tried that, but reality keeps intruding! I just can't respond to another woman." Jason stood up and kissed Lori lightly on the cheek. "Bye, Lori." Tommy, Kim, and Saba paused for a moment to catch their collective breath from the night's exertions. They lay in a pile of tangled limbs on the dusty floor of Tommy's grandfather's cabin's basement. Tommy grinned, sweat trickling down the side of her face. "Was that better, Kim? There was no middle." "Yeah, but I don't think I'll ever walk normally again." ****** The "computer people", as they were affectionately called, were still in their seats when Ernie opened the juice bar. "Geez, don't you people have lives?" "No," came the unanimous response. Mulder and Scully sat on a bench in Angel Grove Park, comparing notes. In the skies above, a dark shape writhed and slid over the park. "No one I spoke to had any ideas, either, Mulder. All they knew was when a monster attacked, the Rangers were always around to defeat them." "But we do know they're local. And two of the people I spoke two swore they knew who the Rangers were, but couldn't name names. I suspect they were just crackpots." "So, now we wait here?" Scully watched the people around her for awhile. "This is strange. For some reason, I don't care who the Rangers are. I just want to go shopping on Rodeo Drive." Mulder raised an eyebrow at his partner. Rita and Zed waited for Gorganus on the balcony of their lunar castle. Just before finding Bulk and Skull's antics, she spotted a group of people in the juice bar in front of computer terminals. If they were more interested in computers than sex, she reasoned, they must be highly intelligent. These would make the perfect team for their anti-Rangers. Gorganus finally made his appearance, fashionably late. Rita explained her proposal and Gorganus nodded. "Perhaps you are right, Ms. Repulsa. Now, what about their equipment?" "One of our agents managed to capture the Rangers' vehicles some months ago. However, she refuses to give up the red one." Zed shook his head in disgust, then continued. "To make six, we'll have to use spare parts for Serpentera and some of the parts from the other Zords." Rita grinned. "Anti-zords for our anti-Rangers!" In the juice bar, Bulk and Skull realted their version of the previous night's excitement to the computer fiends. "--And the pointer started moving, just like you said it would. It told us to go outside, and when we did, we found the Power Rangers." Susan tried her best to choke on her orange juice. A few stray dribbles started to come out of her nose. Her large friend started giggling. She finally managed to swallow and blurt out,"You're not helping any, Rob! *hic!* At the sound of the hiccough, the entire population of the juice bar stopped talking and looked for its source. Susan shot an evil glance to Bulk and Skull. "Remind *hic!* me to ki *hic!* hill you later." "Hey! It's not our fault you got the hiccups." "Maybe not, *hic!* but you're convene *hic* yent." A large, menacing figure chose that moment to enter the youth center. It glared first at the room in general, then at Bulk and Shull specifically. "Uuurrrrrrrrrrgh," it told them. The two junior police officers squealed like stuck pigs. They bumped into each other, the juice counter, and various other obstacles on their way out. "Thank you, Robert, I do believe you cured my hiccoughs." "Hrrrrrgh. I see I need to sit on you. C'mon, shorty. The old people are looking for you." "But I'm in the middle of pouncing on defenseless creatures." "Tough." The juice bar filled with a bright, white ball of crackling energy. When it faded, six of Ernie's patron's had vanished and several more needed to change their underwear. Alpha joined Trini and Billy very early that morning and the threesome was still going (one of the advantages of having a robot as the male involved). Billy and Trini were taking turns riding Alpha, literally. Trini found a saddle and whip buried deep in Billy's closet. They were gifts from well- intentioned relatives to a young boy they thought should get out more often. Upon seeing the saddle, Trini came up with an intriguing use for the horn. The doorbell rang. Billy hastily pulled a blue fleece robe over the blue silk teddy she was currently wearing; Trini and Alpha were more quiet about their fun. Shutting the door to her lab behind her, she padded out to the living room. She glanced up at the clock; the time was eight-thirty. The doorbell rang again. "Just a minute!" she called out. She creaked open the door. On the opposite side were two men. One was blonde, about Billy's age; his partner was somewhat older, with dark hair. They wore business suits. "If you're Jehova's Witnesses, I already have a lifetime subscription to The Watchtower." "No, Miss, we're not Jehova's Witnesses. My name is Bobby Drake and this," he indicated Cannonball," is Sam Guthrie. We're here representing Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters." The older one smiled pleasantly. The blonde smiled, too, but more nervously. The contact team had found their new mutant last night, soon after the bizarre encounter with the loonies in women's underwear. After that, Sam thought he could handle anything. However, even though Sam knew about lesbianism, nothing prepared him for the actual sight of two women having sex. Cyclops thought it was a good idea to study their target a bit before introducing themselves, to get an idea how best to make their approach. They found a convenient bush to hide behind, and watched through a window left carelessly open. Sam was shocked enough by the display he saw going on in the bedroom, but even more so when Gambit brought out popcorn and a camcorder. When Sam and Bobby left, he was on his second six hour tape. "Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters? The exclusive New York school? Come in, come in." Billy opened the door wide to let heer visitors inside. "I'm very flattered you want to talk with me. Xavier's school's reputation is well-known even here." "Thank you, Miss. . ." Bobby cocked an eyebrow. "Billy, just call me Billy." She looked slightly uncomfortable. "We'd like to invite you to attend the school, or its counterpart, the Massachussetts Academy." "I don't know about switching schools. I mean, my friends are here and I'll be graduating at the end of the year." "Yes, well. . . Do you know anything about the X-Men, Billy?" Bobby hoped that if this tack worked for Ororo, it would work for him. "Affirmative. They're a mutant group operating out of New York." She arched an eyebrow. "What do they have to do with this?" "Both the School and the Academy are places where young mutants learn to control their powers." Bobby pulled a card out of his shirt pocket and wrote a number on it. "This is where you can reach us. We'll be in town for a few more days, yet, if you'd like to talk. Sam, here, might even say a few words." He playfully poked Sam in the ribs with his elbow. "Please give our offer serious consideration." Billy showed the two men out, then walked back to the lab for a talk with Trini and Alpha. Alpha was unavailable, though. He sat in a dusty corner of the lab, plugged into an outlet. The red light which normally swept across his visor was still. Billy thought she could hear a tired "Ay-yi-yi" coming from him, however. Trini, meanwhile, was busy pleasuring herself with the ears of a plush pink bunny beating a drum. It beat the drum faster and faster as Trini headed toward a climax. As she explained later, she wanted something that would keep going and going and going.... Cyclops, Psylocke, and Rogue neared the source of the golden light that blinded them on their way in to Angle Grove. Iceman and Cannonball were contacting their mutant, and Gambit was taping the continuing escapades in the bedroom. At the top of one hill, the team spied a strange building, somewhat resembling an old observatory. That, they decided, was a good place to start their investigation. The hill was a rocky, but not particularly steep climb. Not that it mattered to Rogue, who flew ahead of her teammates. When Cyclops and Psylocke finally caught up, Rogue had already found their way in. "Th' front door's on th' opposite side from here. Place looks abandoned." Psylocke closed her eyes a moment, concentrating. "It's not. I pick up two mental impressions inside." Cyclops nodded. "So we walk in, and calmly ask them if they know anything about that light. Let's hope they cooperate." Rogue led them to the door, which she opened slowly on silent, well-oiled inges. They followed a cave-like corridor which opened to the main room of the building. A giant face hovered in the center of the room, in a odd columnal structure. The structure was flanked on two sides by control panels, and a large control panel at its base. A human-sized android stood facing the column. It gestured wildly, and all the X-Men could make out of the conversation was something about the true power of the ninja. Bulk and Skull sat on one of the two benches in all of Angel Grove Park. They knew what the Rangers really looked like, now, but they still didn't have names. Bulk sighed. "Well, Skull, I guess we search the entire park, and see what we turn up." The day was well into night when the two finished searching the five square mile expanse of the park. All they found was a discarded, tube-like device, that may have been a cannon. they decided to keep it with them as an excuse to meet with the Rangers. The six kidnapees from the juice bar found themselves in a dark throne room, facing a large red man with a 'z' on his headpiece and a large 'Z' on his staff. He was accompanied by a Japanese woman with her hair done to resemble horns and nipple cones to rival Madonna's. Off to one side, a winged monkey and a skeleton argued with one another. Rob was the first to speak. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, guys." "Yeah," Chris said. "But there's a lovely Earth out tonight." The red man glowed faintly. "Enough! I have brought you here to make a proposition." "Eyeeeeeeeew!" Chris pointed to Susan. "You want to talk to her,then." Robert elbowed him high in the ribs. Susan looked indignant. "I'm not that kind of a girl." Zed shook his head. "I want to offer you a share in the powers of evil." "Come to the dark side, Luke...." Zed ignored Rob's interjection. "We want you to be our anti-Rangers." Susan arched an eyebrow. "Why us? We're not martial artists." "We're looking for brains, not brawn. And the fighting skills come with the powers." "Oh," Rob said. "then it's okay." Gwen shook her head. "I *don't* want to be associated with the Power Rangers." Zed growled low, barely audible. "You *won't* be. If all goes well, you will destroy them utterly!" "How do you manage to live in such a small place with an ego that big?" Zed ignored the comment. "Do you agree?" "Sure. Why not?" "Oh, all right." "As long as it involves massive property damage." "All right. But this plot has death star sized holes in it." "Urrgh." "Eyeeeeeewww." "I think that translates as a 'yes'." Zed may have smiled behind his grilled mask. Rita reached behind her and pulled out a silver tray which cointained six rings. She held it in the midst of the new Powered Strangers. Gwen reached for the pink coral. "Ooo, pretty shiny." "Oh, nice sapphire." Julie picked up the ring, which immediately fell out of her fingers. The ring bounced off the floor, in between the nipple cones, off the Z-staff, and landed conveniently in Rob's hands. "Nothin' but hand. Hey, I think it likes me." Susan peered closely at the white-stoned ring and picked it up. "Is this a moonstone?" Robert snorted in Rob's direction, then grabbed the onyx ring. "Hrrghf." Julie reached very carefully for one of the two remaining rings. The yellow topaz winked in the castle's dim lighting. "Hrrm. I guess I get this one. Red's a good color for me." Susan perked up from studying her ring. "Red? What stone is that?" Chris shrugged. "Dunno. Could be garnet, could be ruby, could be red glass." "Let me see...That color is more characteristic of a ruby than garnet. And the rest don't seem to be glass. Wanna trade?" "Naah. I like this one." "Thbpbpbpbpt!" Zed and his lackeys watched the whole scene with impatience bordering on disgust. "Are you quite finished, yet?" he growled. Susan put a hand up to Zed's face grill. "Be a dear, and hold that thought? Go play with your staff or something, 'kay?" Zed growled incoherently. As the Strangers continued making fun of each other, he cleared his throat. "ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED YET?" "Oh, I suppose so." Zed folded his arms over his chest, apparently satisfied. "Good. Now, these work very simply, even Rito could understand. Look at the insides of your rings, and you will find the name of your Zord etched there. Wear the rings at all times, and when you need to morph, say the name of your Zord. Any questions?" The Mightee Moron Powered Strangers thought a moment until each had a question. Chris spoke first. "Yeah. This is actually a semi-intelligent system. We don't have to worry about losing the damned things, and all. So why can't you come up with a decent plan of attack?" "Are you naked, or is that a costume?" Susan wondered. "Eeeeyeee-heeew-heeew." "What...is the average flight speed of the unladen swallow?" "Once you have control over the world, what are you going to do with it, Brain, umm, Zed?" Rob asked. Gwen looked around the room, no longer paying any attention. "Where are my keys?" Zed raised his staff into the air, glowing brightly. A chorus of "How Speilbergian" echoed from the Strangers. "Enough!! You are the most annoying creatures I have ever encountered!" He calmed down a bit. "I see I chose well." "Chose well? Like Indiana Jones?" Robert folded his arms across his chest. Rita smiled. "I chose you because you were more interested in computers than sex. An obvious sign of intelligence." The group broke into laughter. Chris managed to stop just long enough to blurt out, "Then obviously you didn't *see* what was on our monitors!" The group continued its near hysterical giggles, with the exception of a lone "eeyew". "So...now what? We look at our rings then stare at each other?" Zed pointed his staff at the group. "For now..." He chuckled slightly. "Don't call us, we'll call you." A bright flash enveloped the Strangers, and they were gone. Rita walked up behind her husband, and embraced him from behind. "Zeddy-dear, shouldn't we have given them communicators or something like that?" Zed winced. "Probably. Get Finster to work on it...and don't spill too much blood getting those things out of my back." The new Strangers land in the middle of Angel Grove Park, near a red-haired woman and a dark-haired man. The couple paid no attention to them. They were about to return to their respective homes, when Chris stopped short. "Shouldn't we have communicators, or something?" Susan looked vaguely annoyed. "That's what telephones are for." "Maybe we should go to Radio Shack and pick up some cellular phones?" Rob suggested. "We could use a central control of some sort, too," Robert pointed out. Susan smirked. "Okay. Robert and Chris, you guys work on the Central Control Building. We could use that abandoned missile silo as a basis. Rob can get the phones...Julie, go with him. Gwen and I can get decorating stuff." Meanwhile, in the juice bar, Ernie looked up from wiping the counter. He looked into the eyes of Bulk and Skull, saying, "The day I have feared.... whoops! Forgot who I was." The X-Men, who were watching the big, giant head with great interest, were surprised when it said, "Two papaya-guava-kumquat smoothies, coming up." Then promptly winked out of existence. Cyclops was tempted to go and get Gambit's camcorder as a beautiful woman scantily clad in a leather bikini stepped out of some bulky blue power armor. She wiped her forehead. "I thought he'd never leave. That armor suit is *hot*." She looked around. "All right, come on out. I know you're there." Cyclops waved everyone to step out into the open. For the first time, he was glad Jean wasn't with him on this trip; she'd never forgive the thoughts he was having right now. He cleared his throat. "Ahem, yes...we were flying overhead when we saw a flash of light. We pinpointed its origin to here, and came in to investigate." Dulcea looked closely at the assembled mutants. "What that was, is none of your business. Now, kindly go." She suddenly held a feathered staff in her hands. The X-Men didn't want to know where she'd been hiding it. Scully dragged Mulder with her into the nearest mall, gum merrily snapping. Fox wasn't quite sure what to make of the change in his partner. Aliens.. or gummi bears munching on her brain. Whatever it was, he'd have to find a cure before his credit cards went past their limits. If it was something local, maybe it would account for all the strange sightings of monsters and cartoon heroes. ***** Zordon summoned the Rangers to the Command Center early the next morning. By some miracle, Billy actually remembered her remote control, so the Rangers were able to listen without risking their eardrums. Alpha was back at his post; Ninjor had to go back to his home planet. "Rangers, the day I have feared the most has come to pass. Zed and Gorganus have teamed up once again. This time, they have successfully crated anti-Rangers. Behold the viewing globe." The globe showed the scene of the Powered Strangers recieving their power rings. Zack squinted to make out their faces. "Hey, aren't they those geeks from the juice bar?" Jason grinned and hit Kimberly lightly on the shoulder. "See," she said,"I told you they'd be the new villains." Kimberly merely rolled his eyes. Jason crossed her arms. "So....where can we find them now?" The scene in the viewing globe dissolved slowly to an area just outside of town. The Strangers were gathered in front of the entrance, two of the girls were holding boxes of various curios and other objects d'art, with more at their feet. "It's the old missle silo!" Tommy exclaimed. At the missle silo, Susan and Gwen shifted their uncomfortable burdens carefully. "Okay, you guys...let's get on with this. These things are heavy. By the way, what'd you do with Chris?" Robert scowled at his younger sister. "I locked him in the garage. He wanted to label all the bathrooms `Tods' and `Vixens'. Besides, he wanted the credit for what was mostly my work. He did the computer systems, but that was it." Rob looked a bit concerned. "How long has he been in the garage? And, more important, are the *Zords* in there?" "You know, that's the funny thing...The Zords were there when we got here." Julie, who was looking in the opposite direction and pretending not to be a part of the group, suddenly noticed something. "Is that a CNN van?" No one paid her any attention. Robert led the Strangers through the grand tour of their new Central Control. In the nerve center was a hologram of a voluptuous, naked, anthropomorphic vixen. "Welcome to Central Control, Strangers. The Master is in the garage, improving your Zords." She spoke in a sultry voice. The entire group glared as one at Robert. "You just *had* to be computer illiterate." Rob pushed a few buttons, and the image changed to that of a mantis, holding a large laser rifle. "Entertain me!" it demanded. He pushed a few more, and the original hologram was back in place. Just then, an older, wall-eyed man in a butler's uniform walked in from an adjacent room. He gestured towards the door from which he came, and motioned for them to follow. Robert smiled. "And this is our mute butler, Ingmar. I think he wants us to let Chris out of the garage. He's mute, you know." The group followed Ingmar, who did indeed lead them to the garage, which was actually the missle store house in the complex's original incarnation. They opened the door, and stared almost in awe of the zords that filled the gargantuan room. Chris stood proudly on the top of the red zord. Rob yelled up at him, "So, when will these things be ready for a test drive?" The Rangers were enjoying milkshakes at Ernie's when the alarm went off in the Command Center. Ernie shook his head, as he realized he was about to blurt out the warning to the entire juice bar. He was getting too old for this, he decided, as he pressed the button for the automatic distress call. Soon, the eight teens and one squirrel had crowded in the hall, which Ernie took as his cue to become Zordon. "Rangers," Zordon boomed. Billy had forgotten her remote once again, and his volume had been turned back up. "Behold the viewig globe. Zed's anti-Rangers have chosen now to strike." The globe panned to a scene of various upright animals, discernible from Zed's normal monsters only because they didn't look like rubber suits. The Rangers were somewhat confused. "Are you sure that's them, Zordon?" Rocky asked. "They could just be a group of monsters." Trini shook her head. "Those special effects are too good, and they're in color-coded outfits." Tommy looked around at the assembled Rangers, as she always did, then nodded. "Let's do it!" The Power Rangers teleported into the park in fighting poses. Tommy started gesturing almost as wildly as Ninjor, with little *whup-whup* noises resulting from the movement. "We fight for love and just- Ow! You're not Ow! supposed to hit Ow! me during my Ow! monologue!" Susan, now a white tigress, wielded her ice hammer across one shoulder. "I have PMS and the author cut out some of my best scenes for this story." Chris, a real fox, stood in the back, poised with hand glowing orange with flame, ready to fire. "Damn....I wanted to do that." Ayesha stood out in front of Tommy. "Look, why don't we just make things easier on the author. You're the bad guys, and we outnumber you, so we win." He had no sooner finished speaking, when he was engulfed in a large gout of flame. He looked much like a charred cartoon figure after the fire died out. "*That* was fun!" Billy tried a more diplomatic approach. "Why do you guys want to help Lord Zed, anyway? He hasn't even got you under a spell, according to the preceding scene." Robert promptly sat on the Blue Ranger. "It's fun!" Billy writhed and hit uselessly at the large bat-man. Gwen, who was now in the form of a squirrel (much to Rocky's delight), made a random motion with one arm. She giggled at the whooshing noise it made, which resulted in even more random movements. Rob paled beneath his white panda fur. Eventually, the blows reached him, and he took them with only small ows. The rest of the Strangers and the Rangers stopped what they were doing to watch the spectacle. Soon, the Strangers were *all* experimenting with various movements to hear the sound effects. The Rangers looked vaguely disgusted even through the masks of their harem outfits. After exhausting the entertainment of noisy motions, the two teams eyed each other carefully--with the exception of Julie. The yellow-clad badger was cowering in some shrubbery, chanting "eyeeew". It made a surprisingly effective force field. "Look," Tommy said, somewhat annoyed at having a sex marathon postponed. "Why don't we just start beating each other with our zords?" The Strangers drew into a huddle to consider. "Okay," Susan said,"we don't want to throw you off guard too much by having it settled hand to hand." The Rangers put their hands up to the sky in unison. "We need Ninja Zord power, now!" "Gray snake ninja zord power!" It was a relief not to have the longest zord name. "Purple deer ninja zord power!" "Orange Spider ninja spider ninja zord power!" "Black frog ninja zord power!" "Pink crane ninja zord power!" "Yellow bear ninja zord power!" "Blue wolf ninja zord power!" "Red ape ninja zord power!" "White falcon ninja zord power!" The Strangers ooohed in feign amazement. The Power Ranger's zord suddenly teleported in from Tokyo, and immediately transformed into the Mega-ultra- super Falcon Ninja Zord. It stood in a dramatic stance (Go to Riker's school of dramatic posing to learn how!), ready for battle. "I guess it's our turn now." The Strangers put their arms over one another's shoulders, and did the can-can. "We need weird zord power, yesterday!" "White tiger weird zord power!" "Blue panda weird zord power!" "Yellow badger weird zord power." Julie winced visibly. "Red fox weird zord power!" "Black bat weird zord power!" "Pink squirrel weird zord power...can't we think of a better way to do this?" The Strangers' zords reached the park from the opposite direction of the ninja zords. As the White Tiger Zord reached, the park, it tripped on a fallen tree, and did a specatacular flip before landing on its back, legs still moving. Tommy blinked. "That's *my* Zord!" The rest of the Weird Zords paused, and shot out sillystring into a large ball for the Tiger Zord to play with. Susan merely looked disgusted at the entire display. "Blacksmith Tony sure did a shitty job," she muttered. Eventually, the Tiger Zord righted itself, and the Weird Zords continued on their way to the Park. They stayed separated, surrounding the Mega-ultra- super Falcon Ninja Zord, instead. Off in the bushes, well away from any possible blast radius, Bulk and Skull cradled a small rocket-launcher-like device. Bulk grinned vapidly, stars in his eyes. "If we fire this off, we can save the Power Rangers!" He pulled the trigger without a second thought. Or aiming. A small puff of smoke issued from the device, and a bright missle flew into the heart of downtown Angel Grove. The missle's nuclear warhead exploded at city hall. A large mushroom cloud was visible from the Command Center, as was the shockwave that engulfed all in its path. After the dust settled, everything was absolutely the same. At just thst moment, downtown Tokyo ceased to exist. Somehow, a nuclear missle appeared in the skies and exploded in its heart. No one claimed responsibility, and no evidence of its origin was ever found. The Strangers collectively blinked, audibly. Chris shook his head. "Well, that was pointless." Susan sauntered off. "That's it! I'm going home!" She stopped short, as if suddenly thinking of something. She walked over Tommy. "Can I borrow that sword of yours? It's a long walk back to North Carolina." She whispered something in Tommy's ear. The Ranger blushed furiously. Saba immediately manifested in his tiger-morph form. "I'm not that kind of a tiger!" He fled in terror. On the moon, Zed, Rita, and Gorganus watched the fight that wasn't. "We should stick to brainless monsters," they said in unison. ***** In the juice bar, both the Rangers and Strangers enjoyed a nice, tall, cool glass of OJ to wind down. The X-Men sat in one corner of the juice bar, while Bulk and Skull hounded them for autographs. Mulder and Scully were on a flight back to Washington. The principal for Angel Grove High (which comprised grades K through 12) rushed into the juice bar, a huge stack of papers in his arms. He was evidently in a hurry; his toupee was more cockeyed than usual. He rushed over to the Rangers. "Kids!" he cried breathlessly. "We just discovered a clerical error. You were all supposed to graduate five years ago!" He quickly handed each Ranger a diploma....and handed two more to Bulk and Skull. He skipped merrilly out of the bar singing, "I'm free! Free!" Gambit waded through the crowd, and approached Billy. "I suppose y'all are free t' transfer t' Xavier's, no?" Billy grinned. "Only if I can take Trini and Alpha with me." Gambit gave a knowing grin. "But of course, chere. Meet us in the park at eight o'clock." Tommy sighed. "What are the rest of us supposed to do? We could only be Power Rangers while we were in high school." Susan shrugged. "Join the Texas Rangers?" The former Power Rangers grinned. "That's a *great* idea!" The Strangers banged their heads on the table. "I was *kidding*!" Back in Washington, D.C., Fox Mulder sat at his desk, finishing his report. Scully was recovering in the hospital nicely, with no memory of what happened. Mulder was relieved to know no permanent damage had been done. In his report, he left the case open, but privately decided the so-called Power Rangers, and their monsters were just mass hallucinations. Hugh T. Deville walked into the juice bar, and sat at the counter. He ordered a tall, refreshing glass of cool OJ, hold the blah-blah with a twist of yackety-shmackety. He looked at where he imagined a camera should be. "Well, folks, we've come to the end of another Rangers story without me. I really must speak to the author and give her a piece of my mind. "So, what did we learn this time, kids? Absolutely nothing. Now that the Rangers have been graduated, will it keep the author from writing more stories? I doubt it. So, until next time, remember-- OJ's not just for breakfast anymore!"